Ever since I read Wild at Heart I've been thinking more deeply about the men in my life. One in specific that I've been thinking about more then I'd like to is my father. Its really painful to think about my father he has hurt me in so many ways through out my lifetime that after awhile I just decided to block him out and only ever really think about my father when times call for it.

I only really remember alot after the age of 4. My life was pleasant my parents loved me and were together and I had an older brother I admired more then anything else in the world and I had a cool older sister that stood up for me when everyone else on the block was really mean. What I didn't know until later on was that my father had suffered from alcoholizm and at this point was a recovering alcoholic thanks to infantile amnesia I don't remember all the fights and stuff that my brother and sister sometimes talk about. When I was 7 my father left for Calgary to find work and my family and I were left behind for finish the school year and then join him out there. One night my mother had this solem look on her face and asked us to join her at the table. This was the first time in my life my heart was broken and it was by my very own father. She had informed us that my father had turned to alcohol again, cheated on her and that they had broken up on the phone earlier that day. After she had said this all it hadn't really processed through my brain but my siblings were in tears. That whole night I was in shock. The next day my father called to talk on the phone, my brother and sister both talked to him without hesitation to get assurance that he still loved them which they recieved. When it was my turn my mother said "Sarah your dad wants to talk to you" at that moment all the shock had left and I suddenly felt a surge of hurt and anger and yelled "I don't care if that man wants to talk to me and don't tell me hes my dad" I ran out the back door and climbed into my tree, I stayed there just staring into my backyard for hours until it got dark out and my mother forced me to come inside. For a year I didn't talk to my dad or even refer to myself as having one. He'd always call and want to talk to me but I refused. My brother and sister tried to guilt me into talking to him by telling me he started crying sometimes but I felt as though he deserved it. When he came for christmas that year my mother bought him something and put a tag on it from me and that year i didnt even bother opening the presents he bought me to show him that I still hadn't forgiven him. That was a very silent christmas. Finally my mom had decided that I had had enough time to get over this and decided to load us up in the car so we could go stay with out dad for a week. That week I started to talk to him but I had not yet forgiven him. It all went down the drain when his girlfriend decided to stop by for a visit claiming to have forgotten that we were there. This was the women he had cheated on my mother with. Seeing her made me want to puke. After that year my father had felt more comfertable comming back to visit so he came more and more. After awhile the whole visits contained him being drunk the whole time, my brother and sister kissing his butt to make sure he still loved them and me just straying away from the family for the entire visit. He succesfully had recked every Christmas he attended at our house by being the angry drunk he is and getting angry at everyone. When I was 9 years old and visited my father was the first time he actually ever had hit me. We got in an argument as usual but the difference was this time he ended it by hitting me really hard in the face. I just got up and walked to my room. Everytime I visited him until I was 11 we had gotten in arguments that ended with him hitting me and sometimes he would just hit me for no reason as long as no one was around. I never told my mom so she never knew why I was never so reluctant to go visit him. Finally though my mom got fed up with the fighting and decided not to make me go anymore and until I was 13 and decided to give it another try and see if he had changed. We had some good visits I must admit and I really believed he had stopped from doing that. Then at the first Christmas I've ever had at one of my fathers houses he threw me to the ground swearing at me. This time though my brother stood up for me. That was the last time I ever spent the night at my dads house the next day I left and awhile later my sister got her own place in Calgary and now I stay there. I don't know if I will ever fully trust my father ever again or be able to bring myself to forgive him.

The problem is though is that I still love my father. I wish our relationship was better. I mean when hes not drunk hes really nice to me and isn't a mean ogre. He's actually started just hanging out with me when hes not drunk when I go down there. The problem is we sat in Olympic Plaza for 3 hours and didn't utter a word to eachother. We went to the Calgary Stampede and didn't say more then 60 words to eachother either. I can't even have a conversation with my dad thats how horrible our relationship is. I guess thats what we get with me fighting with having one with him for 7 years and him always being drunk around me.

Lately I've been thinking how has this affected me? I realize my trust in people doesn't particularily exist anymore I always have my doubts about everything. I'm too scared to ever have a long term relationship with a guy ever. Most of all I feel like I'm bothering everyone all the time because when my dad and I it got to the point where everything I did bothered him and he had no problem with telling me what he thought about me and that it bothered him.

It saddens me though because now that Im older I look at it like, what kind of pain is my father going through? What caused him to get so addicted to alcohol and what happened to make him the way he is. I feel so bad for my father and I honestly wish there was something I could do. I now wish I could have been a better daughter so he actually had belief that I love him.

I remember alot about you.
I remember when we went to the movies, actually I remember the title of the movie we had gone to see and that I couldn't concentrate on the movie because you were right beside me and I was so amazed at that. I remember after the movie when we talked until my ride came and when I was saying that I don't think any sunglasses look good on me so I don't wear them and you said that it was a good thing because I had pretty eyes and at that moment I felt so special. I remember when you asked me out and it was probably the happiest moment of my life that day was so amazing because you are amazing. I remember most of the phone conversations. I remember an email I got from you a long time ago and in the email the song that made you think of me. I remember when I first met you how I totally embarrassed myself but I won't go into detail. Then theres the little things I remember like your phone number,your middle name, your favourite colour and your birthday. I also remember you've said that you'll never hurt me but you always forgot the again. I also remember how many times we come in and out of eachothers lives and that every time it hits me like a ton of bricks because I'm still never over you. It may be weird to you that I remember all this but I guess its not to me because I always felt that you were worth remembering.

--------------------------------Calgary 1-----------------------------------
Fear.
If there was one word in the english vocabulary that could explain how I feel about everything in my life right now that would be it. Though of cource theres alot more words that go into how I feel that one comes up the most. Being in Calgary is stressful enough seeing as theres so much in Kelowna that I am supposed to be doing right now without the added worry that I may not be able to go home. I feel like I have completely let people down I can't believe my family did this to me. My sister in particular doesn't quite understand that my whole entire life is based in Kelowna everything I care about and everything I need to stay grounded is in that lovely city. She thinks it would be so easy just to move to Calgary. Its funny though because I recall her being my age and my mom bringing up what it would be like to move to Calgary and my sister just freaking at the thought without suggestion. She would have never been able to leave and I have more commitments and a life back there then she ever did yet she thinks it wouldn't make a difference in my life. Now shes got my mom into thinking its the best idea ever. Thats what scares me because unfortunatly all of my life decisions get to be conformed by her and she gets the final say in if we move. If I have to move here I don't know what is going to happen to me. The thought of who I could turn into scares me the most. I mean I doubt I would but theres always that possibilty without the things that keep you grounded right? What if I don't get as connected to a church as I am in Kelowna? What if I get in with the wrong group of kids at a new school and they influence me to do bad things? What if I go completely insane because I wouldn't be able to handle it? The people I have in Kelowna are more of a family to me than any of these people they care about me and I trust them more then anything, the people here though its like were from two different planets. Whatever happens happens and basically right now my control is 0%.